A couple of nights ago, I had a very rough night. This is not meant to be heartless, just honest. As much as we have worked to bring Jesiah home, I had fleeting questions as to if we had done the right thing. It is so difficult to have such an amazing blessing in front of you and yet not be able to help them or understand what they need. We have prayed our way "into" this adoption and knew from the beginning God would provide our son/daughter. I cried and told Nathan I didn't know how I could bond with Jesiah. I knew I should be able to and I knew that in pictures things looked fine, but I still struggled with the sadness I had in my heart. It's hard to explain. It was almost a let down of a night after such emotion and adrenaline go into the first few days here. It's kind of like after you give birth to a biological child and although you are filled with joy, you also have pains from labor and adjusting to life with a newborn. They turn your life upside down, both in good and bad ways. In some ways, Jesiah was like a newborn. In other ways, he was a "big" kid and wanted to do everything his own way and on his own time. Searching through my emotions and talking about where I was was important. Love takes time. Bonding takes time. Loving a child that you have never seen in person, yet loved for so long, takes God's hands to literally open up your heart and make room. I don't think I thought it would be easier than it has been. I definitely knew that it would be a struggle and that once over the "hurdle", that time would begin to strengthen that bond. That night, I had to decide to choose to love him and know that God would fill in the gaps.
I had an opportunity to talk with another dear friend of mine who is adopting here as well. She had experienced similar emotions the night before and it was so very helpful to understand I wasn't alone. We both knew we loved our children and knew that they were absolute miracles, yet we both felt a disconnect . Since then, time is definitely helping. I remember when I was pregnant with Eli that I feared I wouldn't be able to love him as much, or in the same way, that I did Kaylee. In my mind, we had a balance and I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to adjust. After Eli was born we adjusted and the room in my heart continued to expand. It worked out just fine and I cannot even begin to imagine on life without Eli!!! :) This is the same situation and I know it will be okay.
What has really helped is the fact that God has blessed us with a beautiful son who is beginning to rely on us for everything and is really showing very unconditional love. He is definitely able to look at us and show us a love that melts my heart. He runs to me when he sees me which is a feeling I can't even begin to describe. He is choosing to love and trust, under much more difficult circumstances and either Nathan or I have had to deal with, and yet he is doing it so wonderfully. Jesiah's resolution and adjustment with us has shown so much growth on a daily basis. It's amazing to see how all of the kiddos in our travel group have grown in such a short time.
God is mending my insecurities and showing, through Jesiah, a love that I didn't think was possible. I praise God that He is continuing to redefine my definition of love and expand my ability to show it. Please continue to pray as we know God will only grow the bond we all have as a family once we arrive home.
Love you and your sweet, honest heart. Also, feeling so blessed to watch Jesiah blend into your lives... see how you are loving him into trusting you... and watch how he is loving you into return. ...We have the privilege to see in person how his eyes light up when he sees you guys! And his smile... well, it could melt any heart! ...So glad we have been on this journey in China together!
Thank you for such an honest post. May God continue to bless all of your family, as each of you make the adjustment.ReplyDelete
Love, Renee Webster
Even to this day after having for Juliese for almost four years I feel that disconnect once in a while.ReplyDelete
I compare it to how we feel with the Lord sometimes, but then the Lord's grace, mercy, and redemption love enters the picture once again. And. . . both of those relationships develop and move to a higher level of understanding and intimacy.